The Good Shepard
by Eskarina272
Summary: Shepard disappeared after the Reaper War, but for one member of her crew finding things has become a bit of a specialty.
1. The Good Shepard

A/N:so I went through and re-wrote a lot of this. I didn't originally plan to make thstory longer story, but how have a plot, thanks to a friend who bounced around ideas with me for a while. Expect sporadic updates...I hope...

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It wasn't the sort of place Samantha would have expected. Small, located between alleys, and looking as though it was on the verge of giving up and collapsing she found The Good Shepard.

No one could say the commander hadn't retained her sense of humor.

She supposed the only good thing you could say about the place was that it was busy. She had been camped out for nearly an hour working up her courage and nursing the worlds largest cup of pond scum. There was a rumor the locals called it coffee. Every few seconds since she had arrived someone was always walking in or out. Generally, those walking out looked marginally happier then those walking in. These days you took happiness where you could find it.

Earth was recovering from it's near death experience, but it was by no means there yet. For the most part, rebuilding was slowly but surely progressing everywhere. This city was no different, but still- what was that quote?- the poor will always be with us? And these days the destitute were plentiful.

Sam took another sip and frowned. The pond scum was getting cold. Time to take the plunge. Samantha tossed the foam cup in a nearby garbage can, crossed the alley and entered the building.

Inside, she found herself at a crossroads. The small lobby had two doors, one to the kitchen, the other to the medical station. She decided on the medical area and made a sharp left turn.

It was a rush of warmth after the nearly freezing alley and she pulled her hat off. She had been hoping, sans her uniform, she wouldn't be recognized. The Normandy Crew, one and all, were considered heros these days. If this was indeed the right place, she wondered how Shepard had avoided detection.

The medical station appeared to be a sort of makeshift ER. In the entry way nearly every chair was filled. People with hopeless faces filled nearly every seat. Samantha felt out of place. After the war, she had been treated as a hero. Given an apartment, a lead position in a lab. These people had been left with nothing, less then nothing. No house, no friends. No place to go.

A woman with a thin but friendly face approached her, "welcome to the Good Shepard, the line today is long. Would you like anything to drink while you wait? Steven makes an excellent cup of coffee."

Samantha shook her head, "no, no thank you, actually, I- I'm looking for a woman named Melody. Melody Shepard. Have you heard of her?"

The woman shook her head, "The war hero? I'm sorry, I don't- Perhaps you'd like to speak with the owner?"

"Lucy, I'll handle this."

Shepard might be able to change her hair and face, but the voice was unmistakeable. It was the same one that was slightly hoarse from screaming at battlefields and so steady you couldn't argue with it. The voice of a commander.

The woman hadn't made an anxious, dismissive gesture with her hands as she stepped forward. The last time Traynor had seen Shepard she was covered in scars from her cybernetics and her eyes had been hollow, red, and bruised looking from exhaustion. Her scars had healed, the skin of her face was smoother than Sam had ever seen it, but she walked with a slight limp that hadn't existed before.

"My name is Bri Slater, I own the shelter. What can I do for you...?" The sentence trailed into a question.

So that was how she wanted to play it. Samantha extended a hand, "Samantha Traynor, would you mind speaking privately with me?"

Melody-Shepard-Bri pursed her lips then nodded, "give me a minute." She tilted her head, indicating Samantha follow. They walked through the waiting room into the halls of curtained off areas for patient rooms. There was soft moaning behind on and Rizpah pushed the curtain out of the way.

"Ali, how we doing?"

Ali couldn't have been much older then sixteen and she was sitting on a hospital bed holding a very pregnant belly. The mother gave a breathy laugh, "think he's going to be a handful."

Bri smiled gently, "doc said it'll be another few hours, they're going to call me. I Have some business to take care of."

"Ok, just promise you'll be here."

With one hand holding the young mother's cheek and the other brushing sweaty hair from her forehead Shepard nodded, "promise."

With that, Sheaprd led her back through the clinic with another aide by her side, giving rapid fire orders, "Make sure the Ortega family eats. Worry is no excuse. If our visitor from last night wakes up, notify me. We're going to need more soup and more coffee, it's cold out and that means we're working overtime. Find people to work the kitchen through the night. Notify me if there are any problems." Bri glanced at Sam, "this might take a while."

The walked back through the clinic and into the lobby, step into the kitchen. The hungry eyes of the people followed her. Sometimes Shepard stopped, touching an arm, giving a smile, shaking a hand. Sometimes people stopped her, a thank you, an update on a sick family member. She had an ear for everyone. Shepard used to do this for her crew.

"Are you hungry? The kitchen has chili today."

"I just ate, thank you."

"Suit yourself."

They stepped through a tiny side door and up a flight of stairs. Her room was smaller then her captains cabin. A twin sized bed, made neatly, a dresser, and a desk with a computer. Shepard sat on a chair in front of the desk and gestured towards the bed.

"I apologize, I don't receive guests often."

Samantha took a deep breath and looked around the room. "Commander-"

"Bri. Shepard, in private, if you must. And how the hell did you find me?"

Samantha smiled, "you're a difficult woman to track down."

"Did Liara give me away? She promised she wouldn't send anyone after me."

"No," Samantha had forgotten how disconcerting Shepard could be, "no, I found you myself. Finding things has become a bit of a specialty."

"I suppose it is. Why me?"

"It's been five years. There's a memorial in London. I thought you would want to come. Maybe say a few words. You knew so many of them."

Shepard stood, "not interested. I'll show you out."

"Wait," Shepard paused, raising an eyebrow. "I wanted to talk, no one has seen you since you left the hospital. We. The Normandy came back we all thought you were dead. You just vanished and now..."

The woman who was once the single most important person in the galaxy sat back down looking distinctly nervous. She wrung her hands nervously and focused on her lap. "Traynor, that was a long time ago. I've started over."

"I can see that, it looks as if you're doing well."

"I think I deserve a little peace, a little happiness."

"Are you? Happy, I mean?"

"I never had a family, Traynor. Don't know what happened to them. The crew of the Normandy was as close as I got."

"Some of them are still alive. They miss you."

"The key word some. Do you know how many of them died?"

Traynor paused, "there was Mordin."

Shepard nodded, "yes, but before him there was Kaidan on Virmire. Ashley later, because I was too much of a bitch to let the past be the past. I shot her on the citadel. Thane died there too. Then, in the battle for earth there were Garrus and Tali," Shepard swallowed, "I held Tali while she died. Garrus, I had to leave behind. He was wounded, held off forces until he couldn't. Then he shot himself so they wouldn't turn him. An then there was Anderson...," Shepard shivered suddenly, as if she were cold.

Traynor glanced out the window, "and Edi."'

"Joker wouldn't speak with me after I told him I knew what would happen when I fired the catalyst. Is he still angry with me?"

"No."

"You're a shitty liar Traynor."

"He's thought about forgiving you. He nearly came with me."

Shepard paced the room, "he shouldn't. I Knew what would happen to Edi and the Geth. It was my fault. I led my team into a death trap and I didn't give a damn. All I cared about was winning the war. You remember Ann Bryson?"

"From the Leviathon Project."

"Permanant vegetative state because of me."

"I'm sorry."

Shepard snorted, "I wasn't. Didn't give a damn. If it won us the war it was worth it."

"It worked."

"At what cost?" Shepard was nearly shouting, "I treated the people I loved as expendable. Won the war for humanity and lost my soul in the process. I saved this chunk of rock, but how many people died for it?" Shepard sank to the bed, next to Traynor, her energy spent, "I'm trying to gain my soul back. Make peace with the dead."

Whoever this woman was, she wasn't the same Commander that Traynor had fallen for. She didn't blame her for changing. No one could be the same after everything she had been through. Maybe that was why she put her arms around her. Shepard stiffened a moment and then lay her head against Traynors shoulder and took a deep, shuddering breath. For a little while the room was filled only with the ragged sounds of Shepard's breath.

An omni-tool beeped and Shepard straightened and tapped at it. "What is it?" She was calm now, no evidence of her former outburst showed on her face.

"No, Lucy, no mechs will be needed to chase away my visitor." Her mouth twitched upwards, "I'll be down shortly."

Traynor laughed weakly as Shepard hung up, "thanks for not putting your boot in my ass."

Shepard shook her head, "I have to convince you to leave me alone," she said bluntly, "otherwise you'll come back and bring someone else with you and convince me to save the world again. Now, I have a prayer to say."

"A what?" Traynor stared at the woman wide eyed, "I didn't know you were religious."

"I wasn't."

Samantha realized how little she knew about this woman. Every man, woman, and child on earth owed thier lives to her. Shepard had made the ruthless calls that were needed in the situations she was put in. The world hadn't needed her compassion, it had needed someone who made the hard choices. The only people Shepard extended empathy for were members of her crew. And yet, she kept to herself. She never gave the same personal information or confidences to her crew that they gave to her.

The trip down the stairs and back through the clinic flew by. They made thier way back through the partitioned areas. Somewhere along the way Lucy was back beside them with an update that must have warmed Shepard's ex-military heart with the style it was delivered in.

When Sam heard a scream she guessed where they were headed. Shepard smirked at her, "ever seen a childbirth, Traynor?" Then she was in the partitioned area. Shepard stood by the teen's leg listening to Lucy rail off details about dialation and contractions. Shepard nodded, "alright kiddo, ready to meet your baby?"

The whole process was faster then Traynor would have expected and later she would remember, it in blurs. Blood, and screams, and Shepard calling encouragement and then a new sound like squawking or meowing and Shepard was laughing and saying, "it's a boy, Ash," and holding something that was flailing. "It's a slippery one to." The one absurd, and concrete fact that Samantha remembered was that never had she seen the commander smile like that on the Normandy.

Five minutes later she was looking at a squawking baby boy as Shepard swaddled him with practiced ease. "He's beautiful," Samantha said.

Shepard grinned, "isn't he?" She held him close to her, "It's nice to be the be who brings life for once. I brought so much death. It takes something from you when you kill. I didn't know until I got here. I didn't think I could do this at first. Now.." Shepard trailed off and placed her hands on either side of the child's head. Her next words were soft and low like a chant. It was, Samantha realized, a prayer, "Arashu, mother of our souls and protector of our hearths, this one is newly born. Guide this one, Arashu. Let him remain pure though beset by wickedness. Protect this one, Arashu. Let him be your companion in this life and the next."

"Amen," Samantha added uncertantly. "Drell?"

Shepard nodded, "from Thane's prayer book."

"I understand why you won't come back." Samantha blurted out. Right or wrong Shepard was keeping the memory of the fallen alive like this. Because in the end they hadn't died for the chunk of rock, they had died for the people living on it, the homeless men and pregnant girls. "Could I stay for a while, maybe I could help?"

Shepard looked down at the baby for a moment and then nodded, "yes, I think I would like that."


	2. The Cracked Commander

a/n: To reiterate, this chapters undergone editing as well as the first chapter to hopefully improve cohesiveness. Also, I now have a plot! I am halfway through another update and it should be up by the end of the week.

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The first time Samantha Traynor saw Shepard it was just after Elysium. Sam had been stationed at an R and D lab on Arcturus, and caught a rumor that the Alliance was throwing their new poster girl to the press. Seeing her in person hadn't been her plan, but a co-worker had insisted on sneaking in the back.

The commander was an imposing woman, even then, but most N7's had a way of looking at you as if they were calculating how many ways they could kill you. Shepard had walked out onto the front steps of the hospital in her dress blues on and her red hair held back and twisted into a tight bun. One arm was held in a sling, and a sharpnel wound was still visible on her cheek. Sam's first impression was that she was a woman of order. No wonder the alliance liked her. She also decided that scars were quite attractive.

When the questions had started flying, however- well, it seemed the commander's true talent lay on the battlefield and not in her people skills.

"What were you thinking when you realized the colony was under attack?"

Shepard nailed the woman with a look of contempt. "I was wishing I had more then just a sidearm," she stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. The reporters had chuckled nervously. The questions continued and Shepard's monosyllabic answers persisted. The blitz had been "tense" and "busy." Shepard had been "mad as fuck at those four eyed bastards" and she had held off enemy forces single handedly because she "was the only one there who could shoot worth shit and a biotic."

Monosyllabic answers aside, the press conference had left an impression on Samantha. Shepard a woman who, by all accounts, had dragged herself out of the gutter and become the poster girl of humanity, so long as they kept her away from microphones that is. Marines weren't generally Samantha's type. She preferred being partners who didn't count the phrase "just shoot'em" as a problem solving method. Less intimidating.

No, her admiration for Jane Shepard was entirely platonic, of course, and her interest in the vids from Elysium entirely scientific. Most of them were shakey holos taken from sub-par omni-tools, but she could still catch Shepard's voice calling orders.

In the one with the most hits Shepard was visible threatening one of the colonists in his own home. "Don't really care about your family furniture. We need it for the barricade." In the background a group of men were already wrestling an armoire out the door of the home. The man walked over, "stop, bring that back it's very-" Shepard was suddenly pushing him back into the wall, "look pal, I don't give a fuck. I'm trying to save your ass and we need your shit. You can come dig it out after we win, now shut up or you'll be on the wrong side of the barricade. Clear?" Without waiting for an answer she spun around, shouting more rapid fire orders before turning to the filmer, "stop playing with your damn 'tool and help us." That was where the video ended.

Yes, Samantha had to admit she was a singular woman. Someone worth looking up to. Maybe even trying to emulate. Not the mouth like sailor, of course, but the single minded determination.

She had followed the commanders career after that through the extranet. By sheer luck, she had been on the citadel the day Shepard was made a Spector. Had even seen her once strolling towards Flux, laughing with a dark haired woman.

And then she had died.

Samantha had heard on the news during leave on Horizon. She had felt like a spark had gone out of the universe. As if something vital and irretrievable was missing from the world. After she had so bored up she had decided to lay off the romance novels for a while.

The funeral had been broadcasted and she had watched it. She had an uncle in the alliance, a veteran of the first contact war. He had told her once that the best way to judge commanding officers was by looking at thier men. If he was correct the alliance must have lost the best soldier in the world. The quarian was crying so hard her face mask had fogged up. The turian stood with brow furrowed and chest out, the picture of a stiff upper lip, but when he laid a palm on the smooth metal surface of the empty coffin he finally broke into what must have been the turian equivalent of sobs. It was something when a member of species you were at war with not to long ago reacted that way. Right?

Two years had passed and all of a sudden rumors were swirling around extranet like autumn leaves. Shepard was alive, had been spotted on Omega, no, the citadel, Illium. It wasn't until she had started seeing footage of it that she had believed it. She decided to accept the alliance line, a deep cover operation, rather then put faith in the impossible. People don't die and come back. Samantha was a woman of science after all.

Samantha was thankful she had experienced time on the Normandy, otherwise she might not recognize the winner of the Star of Torfan as the woman who sat across from her now, gulping down chili from the kitchen. They had taken refuge in a private back room that seemed to function as half staff room and half storage and kept them away from the demands of the shelter.

"You wouldn't be content unless you were needed every five minutes," Samantha had jibed with they walked in.

The Hero of Elysium had green eyes that crackled and sparkled with emotion. This woman's eyes had were duller, as if some of the life had been leeched out of them. The old Shepard had a temper that flared at the slightest provocation, this woman seemed to have more warm words for her people then anything else. She wore her hair differently to, Shepard had always kept her hair contained in a tight bun not the loose but unkempt. style of this woman.

"Is the crew OK?" Shepard asked as she finished her dinner.

There was something Traynor recognized. Concern for her crew. "No. I mean, everyone is fine. I mean, they miss you," the changes in Shepard were making her feel flustered, "James was promoted to commander a month or so ago, he's got his own ship now. Liara's up to her old tricks."

A smile quirked at Shepard's mouth, but there was something sad about it. "Grunt?" She asked softly.

Samantha knew the two had shared a bond, Garrus had once told her that Shepard viewed Grunt as if he were her own child. "He's good, lots of kids. Bakara and Wrex are doing well to, they have a dozen kids named after you." Separd smiled and laughed, "that's good. Well, the kid naming is kind of creepy, but otherwise good."

"Bakara said you should come visit, Wrex agreed."

Shepard's smile faded, "I don't get out much these days." They fell into silence. Shepard looked down at her hands, tracing the network of the scars on her knuckles. "You didn't come just because of a memorial," she said finally.

Samantha swallowed, "no, commander."

Shepard pounded a fist against the table, "Don't fucking call me that." There was a moment of shocked silence and then they both spoke.

"I'm sorry I just-"

"No, it's me, I just don't want everyone to know-"

Samantha shook her head slowly, "I don't understand. You're a hero."

"Hero," Shepard mocked, "rather have this." She gestured to the building around them. "Besides, if I go back, they'll need me for something again." She shuddered, "I don't have anymore left to give. I've sent enough people to thier deaths. It's time I atoned." She nodded and Samantha tried to pretend that made any kind of sense. "But enough about me, Traynor, what are you doing here? Hackett did give you that job in R and D I recommended you for, right?"

"Yes, yes he did. And then I quit."

"What?"

"Turns out working in a lab just couldn't compare to the excitement of the Normandy."

Shepard chuckled, "so request shipside. They wouldn't refuse my crew anything."

"Turns out none of the captains were you."

Shepard froze, "I see. So what have you been up to?"

"Freelance work for the most part. Decryption and Analysis. I even did a little bit of work to help get the mass relays running." She had spent three days trying to analyze some of the Protheans work in the Mars Archive. Then she had drifted away to spend time working on a few colonies. The moving around wasn't the same, but it helped assuage her boredom.

"So was finding me just another project."

"Partly, I've become a bit of nomad. Nothing keeping me from stopping here a while. And maybe I missed you."

Shepard blinked, "Traynor-"

"You don't get to give me the alliance regs talk anymore, and you used to call me Sam."

"No," Shepard shifted her weight on the chair, "Sam." She whispered the name, "I'm glad you're here. I missed you."

She looked uncomfortable and Samantha smiled a touch of sadness in it, "whatever you need."

"Well," Shepard stood, "there's plenty to do. Far below your capabilities of course."

"Fine."

Shepard fixed her with a long searching look, then nodded, "you can manage supplies. If you need anything talk to Lucy. She's a bit forgetful sometimes, but otherwise competent. I should warn you, there isn't a whole lot of cash. What I didn't use in changing my identity I spent on this property." She made a wide gesture, "the war was rough on this city. Lots of orphans, Most of the people here were left with nothing after the end. The entire population was left ruined, parts of the city are still nothing more then rubble."

They walked towards the door and re-entered the kitchen. One of the volunteers whisked by them carrying a tray of sugar cookies. Shepard reached over and snatched one. The volunteer, a plump friendly looking woman, smacked at her hand.

"None of that now."

Shepard tilted her head, "I own the place, I own the cookies, Gigi." She snatched another one, grinning mischieviously, and handed it to Sam. Gigi laughed as the two women darted towards the door. As soon as they were out of range of kitchen Shepard became serious again, "accommodations for you- I can't offer much but I can have an extra bed moved into my apartments. Is that-"

"I can live with that."

"Are you sure? I know how you feel about living out of shoe boxes, and I assure you, my resources are not as unlimited as on the Normandy."

"I can handle it."

Shepard smiled teasingly, "suit yourself, Sam. Let's get you into the computer system then."

Samantha glanced at the console Shepard was gesturing at and raised her eyebrows, it looked as if it had seen better days. Or years. Maybe decades. She shook her head, "alroght. Throw some coal in that dinosaur and fire it up."

Shepard slapped her on the back, "that's the spirit."


	3. Meet the Crew

A/N: end of the week...ha... I am quite hilarious sometimes.

As always, comments are fantastic and make me do a happy 'I got a comment' dance whenever I check my e-mail and see one.

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As Shepard had promised the computers were ancient and slow. Sam spent most of the day trying to get them in some sort of feasible running condition. "C'mon old girl," she whispered to the computer. "Just run."

The computer screen blinked. "Not old," Samantha corrected quickly, "mature." The screen went blank and she rested her head against the desk. "Dammit."

"Does talking to it make it run faster?"

Sam turned sharply and saw Lucy leaning in the door. "In my professional opinion, yes. Yes it does. Case in point: I've insulted this one and it's stopped running."

Lucy smiled, "Bri wanted me to come down here and check up on you."

"I have everything, I think."

Lucy nodded, "wonderful. So- uh- you and Bri...you know each other?"

Leaning back in her chair Sam sighed, "yes, from years ago. She's an amazing woman."

"That I can agree with. She just showed up one day with a plan to turn the city around," Lucy said. "She never says much about her past."

Sam could sense the question hanging in the air. She sighed. Obviously the woman was fishing for information about Shepard. Like Sam and every other person aboard the Normandy she had been drawn into her orbit. It was involuntary, and unintended in every case. Shepard didn't even have to try to attract people who would fight to the death for her; they found her. Lucy had fallen under the same spell as any member of Shepard's crew on the Normandy. Sam contemplated a response. "Sh- Bri and I have a complicated past. Very complicated."

"How do you know each other?" Sam glanced up and saw Lucy had taken the other chair in the room and was leaning forward eagerly. "I've never seen her look at anyone the way she looks at you."

For a moment Traynor couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Shepard had spent nearly half a decade with these people. Lucy had been there to help when she had still been trying to help get the Normandy up and running again. She wished she could have been here. She should have been here for Shepard. Obviously, she had been needed. Lucy had been here for Shepard instead. "I think if she hasn't said anything, perhaps I shouldn't either." She smiled to make her words less harsh. "She's certaintly an interesting woman."

Lucy nodded soberly. "I've spent about a year working with her. Came back home to re-build and found a pile of rubble instead. Bri gave me a job, treated me like...like..."

"Like her family," Sam filled in. "She was like that when I knew her to." Chakwas had told her once, when she first boarded the Normandy, that she treated her crew like the family she had never had."

"Exactly. And she's done more than just what you see here. A couple years ago she organized enough people to start rebuilding some of the housing. It's like...like she doesn't even have to try to make people work together."

Sam smiled. If only Lucy knew that the founder of the shelter had created one of the largest galactic alliances to defeat a threat to all sapient life she would understand why getting a few people to cooperate on a building would be simple, comparatively. "She is charismatic, isn't she?"

"Why don't you grab a cup of coffee? A bunch of us are taking a break. You can meet the rest of the staff."

Sam shoved herself back from the desk and nodded, "'might as well."

Lucy headed for the door, "I used to do that job. Trust me, that computer can be stubborn. Sanity breaks are required."

"I've noticed."

They headed for the small back room in the kitchen where she had eaten with Shepard earlier. Now, instead of being nearly empty the table was surrounded. Shepard was leaning back looking down at the infant born earlier that morning. She glanced up and nodded, "hey Sam. Coffee?" The machine had been set it he middle of the table and so Sam sat in the first available seat just across from Shepard.

"Who's the new kid?" A grizzled older man seated to her right asked.

"Wally, this is Sam, she's going to be handling supply chains. Sam, Wallace, don't take him seriously. Wallace and Anthony handle construction."

Sam nodded, "pleasure to meet you."

She gestured towards a you get man with the build of a brick wall. His black hair was done back in a pony tail. he glanced up from the cup of coffee he was nursing only long enough to nod. A scar ran from shoulder to elbow, thick and ridged and stretching from shoulder to forearm. "Know how he got the scar?" Wallace asked.

Shepard smirked, "here we go."

"One of them brutes. First day the reapers invaded. Some kid was out in the street and Tony here took the hit. Nearly tore his arm off, but it was worth it, right?"

Anthony sipped his coffee and rolled his eyes. Wallace pointed his thumb at the other man. "He doesn't talk much. More of the strong silent type. "

Shepard shook her head, "gonna have to try harder Wallace." She looked at Sam, "he makes up a new story everytime we ask. Last time he took shrapnel from a harvester blast. Think he's hoping to impress some girl straight into Anthony's bed."

The tips of Anthony's ears turned red.

She glanced around the table, "you already met Lucy. Elias runs the clinic." A curly headed younger man nodded at her. "You met Gigi earlier in the kitchen. Ali's resting, but she generally manages housing arrangements." She cradled the child closer, "and this is Sean David." She smiled. She glanced back up, "like I said, Sam will be managing supplies. Whatever you need, talk to her."

Elias nodded, "good, we're running low on-"

"Eli," Shepard interrupted, "Within reason and maybe not on my coffee break."

Gigi laughed, "watch out boys, she's grumpy today."

Wallace turned to Sam, "she's always irritable when it gets cold out. I swear to god there's as many aches in her joints as an old man."

Shepard rolled her eyes, "that's right guys. Just make fun of the boss."

"We had better watch out or she'll start stealing essential equipment," Eli said, "again."

"Eli, for the last time," Shepard exclaimed, "you didn't need ten lab coats and we were out of bandages. And it's called reallocation."

Lucy took a sip of coffee, "I think I'm with Shepard on this one. Last I checked you can only wear one at a time. Besides, that was months ago."

"Feels like longer," said Gigi, "but then, it's me and Ali who do all the laundry. Are you going to let anyone else see that child, Bri?"

"Nope."

The banter continued. It all reduced down to a pleasant buzz as Sam watched Shepard smile. Watched her be happy. It wasn't the first time. They had taken brief shore leaves together, but there had always been the dark undercurrent of the war. The sharp agonizing thought that every time they were together could be thier last.

There was never this type of ease. Shepard had never looked so relaxed. For a moment Sam wondered if it wouldn't be better to walk back out of the shelter, board another ship, and let Shepard have this peaceful life she so obviously wanted. For a moment she wished she were selfless. But no, Sam had to face the truth, barring Shepard sending her away, she had to stay. She had to have this question settled.

"So...business," Shepard said leaning back in her chair, "it's going to snow tonight. How are we on blankets and clothing?"

Lucy hesitated, "temporary housing is full up."

"Do we have room in the annex?"

"If people don't mind sleeping in supply areas."

Shepard nodded, "get it ready, just keep things locked up. Gigi, you mind keeping the kitchen open with hot tea and coffee tonight. We always get a few late night stragglers on nights like this."

The larger woman nodded, "I've got at least one girl looking for extra hours."

"Good. Wallace, Tony, keep an eye out for some more permanant accommodations for Sam. Sam, why don't you let Eli show you around his clinic. I can already tell he's just itching to tell you how he really does need a state of the art research lab."

Sam glanced across the table and raised an eyebrow. Shepard was trying to avoid her. For a moment the two women locked eyes. Shepard glanced down at the table studying her fingers intertwined around the coffee mug. "Tomorrow we can find some more time to talk, maybe."

Considering it, Sam nodded, "I'd appreciate that."

Shepard nodded, "alright people, back to work."

The group was slowly disbanding when Shepard handed the baby off to Lucy and then stood. She groaned and steadying herself against the table. "Goddamn," she muttered. Elias was by her side almost instantly.

"Where's the pain." His voice had taken on an almost detached sound.

"Just my leg cramping up again." Shepard was gritting her teeth.

Eli shook his head, "I want you in the clinic first thing tomorrow. Have you been taking the painkillers I prescribed?"

Shepard was silent.

"Of course not, because the best part of hiring a medical professional, is not listening to him."

Shepard shook her head, "I'm fine. I've just been on my feet most of the day."

"Then take a break. Take the pills. Rest. You hire competent people and we can take care of things for a night."

Shepard hesitated, "you'll call if you need-"

"Anything," Lucy filled in.

Shepard hesitated and then headed for the door, the limp Sam had noticed earlier more pronounced.

"I still expect you in the clinic tomorrow, Bri. Seven sharp."

Shepard hesitated, then nodded, before disappearing through the doorway.

Eli turned to Sam, "why don't you come with me? I'll show you around." They entered the kitchen, "So you and Bri...?"

"We worked together."

Sam tried not to think about Shepard offering her the House, the picket fence, the kids, the dog. Circumstances had changed. They both realized that.

"Hmm, I figured. She doesn't trust most people right off the bat." He sighed. "She's a good woman. I only wish she were better at following orders."

Sam had to stifle a laugher that. Instead she said, "she's always had her own way of doing things. How did you meet her?"

"I used to work at a hospital down the road. One of the best in the nation. A harvester destroyed it in the first attack." They were both silent, remembering the devastation of earth. "In any case, after the war I tried to help. Bri was better at it so I joined her staff. I admit, most days I miss having all the resources I had before the war, but I have a chance to make a real difference here. And Bri...she needs help sometimes."

"Her leg?"

"And other various ailments. The war hit some harder than others. Sometimes I think she throws herself into her work here to forget wherever she came from."

"What do you mean?" Sam remembered Shepard's breakdown as she talked about her former squadmate the sudden display of temper when Sam had used her title. It was only understandable that she be in pain after their deaths, but something about the rawness of the emotion left her feeling uneasy.

Eli hesitated and then shook his head. "I don't know the whole story, and I really shouldn't talk about it. Stick around long enough and you'll see for yourself."

They were in the clinic now. Traynor realized that it was essentially performing the function of an ER. A few men and women in scrubs were moving around the partitions that created rooms. "What all can you do?"

Eli looked around, "honestly, barring some major surgeries, quite a bit. I've set bones, treated stab and bullet wounds, even performed a few surgeries." Eli beckoned her farther in, "we function as an ER for most people."

One of the workers stopped by and they spoke in low tones. She handed him a chart and Eli studied it, nodding slowly and beckoned Traynor towards a partition. "I need to check on a patient."

Sam entered the room behind him. It was an older man. "Couple guys found him last night half conscious and frozen to death. He's been awake on and off."

As if to prove the truth of his word the man moaned. Eli stepped over to the bed. The man opened his eyes. They were pupil-less and husk blue.


	4. An old friend

_A/N: Thanks to R3aper for catching a name continuity problem in the last chapter._

_Also, thanks to Alex for making me publish this (even if I'm still not entirely happy with it) and for talking me through some rough spots._

_Don't feel too pressured, but if you leave a comment I'll be very happy._

##

Sometimes Shepard remembered, but most of the time it was better to forget. Losing herself in the new life she had spent nearly a half decade building was easier than facing the ghosts of her past. At least here, in some small way, she could preserve the values the people she had lost had stood for. She liked to think that in learning to build instead of tear down she was doing them proud.

Shepard sat at her desk looking at the console. She had been there approximately an hour and she hadn't moved once. Looking back into her past always took enormous effort. She glanced at the extra bed. God damn it, what had she landed herself in this time. Samantha Traynor walking in that door had been the last thing she expected. She still wasn't quite sure how she felt about it.

Shepard took a deep breath, turned to the console and punched a button to connect. There were a few moments before the call was picked up. She used them to brush errant strands of hair from her face. She didn't look military these days, she knew that. She wondered if she looked as tired as she felt.

Liara's face appeared on the screen, "Shepard. it's good to see you."

Shepard forced a smile. "You too." She was lying and it was only Liara's good manners that kept her from pointing it out. Both of them knew that as soon as she was up and walking again Shepard had run and run and done her best to not look back.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Shepard took a deep breath, "Samantha Traynor showed up at my door today." It was better to spit it out and finish this conversation. Where once there had been easy comradery, now there were awkward silences and politeness. She didn't know what to say anymore.

Liara sighed, "and you must think I led her straight to you."

"It seemed like a logical conclusion. You've wanted me back above water since the Normandy came back two years ago."

"That's true. This isn't yo-"

"I don't want to hear this."

The human and asari were both silent for a long moment. Shepard regretted making this call. She should have just let it go and dealt with Samantha herself Every time she spoke with Liara, the asari tried to convince her to come back. At first it had been to fill an intel position for the council, then in various other roles. Now, Liara just seemed to want Shepard to stop hiding and let people treat her like a hero. Shepard had never felt particularly like a hero, especially not after the events on the citadel in the last moments of the war. Not after what she had done. Sure, they had won, but the price had been high. Too high.

Liara looked at something off screen and collected herself. "Shepard, I didn't tell Samantha anything, but I understand why she found you."

Shepard glared at the camera. At one time, on the SR-1, that look would have been enough to freeze Liara in her boots. Now it didn't daunt her.

"Glare if you like, but I haven't spoke with her since the Normady's return. She was furious that I refused to reveal your location." Liara sighed, "she was in love with you Shepard."

Shepard fidgeted, "I know and I-I.." She trailed off. Over a decade in the military and she had never once fraternized. She took the regs seriously. She was by the book- a professional. She ran military operations, not the goddamn love boat. And then she had met the smart, beautiful communications specialist and her world had pulled hard to port. She had fallen in love. After the war though, with the proverbial blood of all synthetic life, her mentor, more than a few of her closest friends, and a over three hundred thousand batarians on her hands she hadn't dared to look back.

"You ran and left them a few letters."

"I...yeah." She couldn't meet Liara's eyes. It hadn't been enough. Her crew had deserved better. She had thought about being there to greet them, but there had been new shipments and a building project, and someone else had needed her.

"I don't know if anyone helped her find you," Liara repeated, "but I certainly didn't, and it didn't endear me to her."

Shepard nodded. "Ok. Thanks. We should talk some other time." She moved to terminate the call.

"Shepard, wait."

Shepard wothdrew her hand and pinched the bridge of her nose. She didn't want to talk about this. She never wanted to talk about this again. Couldn't the world just pass her by and move on now?

"You've been saying that for four years." Liara continued, "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"Shepard, don't lie."

She looked away, "it's not that I don't miss you, or any other member of my crew. But I can't go back, you have to see that."

"Then maybe you should let Samantha help you go forward. Come to the memorial with her. You don't even have to tell anyone you're going."

Shepard sighed. "Liara..."

"Shepard." Liara echoed. they glared at each other again. it was the same stand off they'd been repeating for five years. Liara leaned back, finally giving up. "Fine. But let Sam stay."

Shepard rubbed an eye, "we'll see."

Liara changed the subject. "Chakwas spoke to me last week. You had an appointment for the preliminaries of reconstructing your leg. You never arrived."

This had been a recurring thing. Liara had been asking to her to lose the prosthetic since she had limped out of the hospital. The tissue had long since been cloned and was ready for transplant. It wasn't that Shepard couldn't see the advantages of having the leg replaced. She'd be able to have more mobility and less aches at the end of the day. Everytime she had an appointment though...well, it was easy to forget. She got around fine for having a body that had died a few times.

"I had an emergency situation."

Liara sighed rubbing her temples. "I see." the silence once again stretched between them, "I have to go. Call me if you want to reschedule."

Shepard nodded. "I'll do that." She probably wouldn't.

Liara rubbed her temples. "I have to go, but Shepard, please let Samantha stay."

Shepard nodded. The screen went blank. For a long time Shepard stared at it, drumming her fingers on the desk.

Finally, she pulled out her keys and unlocked the top drawer of her desk and pulled out the small holo.

It was the picture from the party at Anderson's apartment. Sam was smiling at her and she was grinning like a fool back at her. That had been a good night, even if much of it was lost in a blur of alcohol.

Garrus had his usually smirk on and Tali was half glancing at him. If she remembered correctly, the quarian had been laughing. She looked at the holo until she heard footsteps on the stairs.

Shepard glanced up when Sam knocked on the door, "it's open." Shepard offered her a tired half smile. "If you're going to be staying here you should probably shouldn't bother with knocking."

"Oh," Sam said, "I suppose you're right."

Shepard studied her. Something was bothering her. Five years ago she would have kissed her and kissed her until she had dragged every secret from her lips.

Not an option anymore. You gave that up.

She banished the memories. "You ok?"' She said instead.

Sam nodded, "fine. I- it was interesting. Eli showed me around the clinic. It's amazing what you've accomplished here."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "uh-huh." Whatever was bothering her, Samantha obviously didn't want to talk about it.

"Why? I mean...how was your evening?" Sam asked, stammering.

"What happened?"

Sam looked away. "Nothing."

"you're still a terrible liar."

"There was a man in the clinic with husk eyes," Samantha said suddenly.

Shepard felt as if the floor had dropped out beneath her. "What?"

Samantha grimaced and wrung her hands, "Eli said he'd talk about it with you in the morning, and to let you rest tonight. I mean, he didn't even know if it was a husk because it was just the eyes. But that part, at least, looked like a husk. They were blue and glowy and I'm pretty sure it's impossible to forget. He died just after that. The man, I mean."

Shepard listened to the other woman ramble, nodding. "So nothing else happened? It didn't try to attack anyone?"

Samantha shook her head.

Shepard looked down at the streets from the little window by her desk. Her streets. When she had arrived the entire place had been engulfed in chaos. The people here had faced not having enough food, little to no shelter, and no medical supplies. The team she had was gathered from all corners of the city, most scarred and torn by the war- Veterans from the resistance. Little by little, she had learned to put as much trust in them as she had once put in her squad. She pushed back her chair and stretched. "Why didn't Eli want to tell me?"

"He said he didn't want to alarm anyone unnecessarily. He wasn't even sure that it was what it looked like."

Could be denial. She didn't want to think about the possibility that any remnant of the reapers had survived either. The thought was enough to quicken her heartbeat. On the other hand, it could be that Eli genuinely didn't believe it to be a threat. She rubbed her temples, feeling a dull ache building. The old exhaustion deep in her bones was back. "I'll talk to Eli tomorrow morning." He might worry too much about her, but if he felt there was genuine danger, he would have talked with her.

"Tomorrow morning?" Samantha asked. She sounded confused.

"What am I supposed to do?" Shepard shrugged, feigning nonchalance. She turned away from the window and faced the other woman. "If Eli isn't concerned than neither am I."

Samantha shook her head slowly, "I'm not used to...back on the Normandy you were always charging into the action."

"We aren't on the Normandy." Shepard said sharply then looked down. That had come out harsher than she had intended it. "Samantha, I-" she wasn't exactly sure where she was going with the sentence- an apology, maybe.

A hand rested on her cheek and she glanced up "If you want me to," Sam promised, "I'll leave now." She brushed a strand of hair back behind Shepard's ear.

"No," she said, "you should stay." She forced a weak smile. "Quarters are bit smaller. Shower too."

"Next, you're going to tell me you don't have a hot tub anymore." Samantha said, laughing.

Shepard realized that she was being honest. She had missed the comm specialist more than she had ever admitted to herself. "I don't know if we can have what we had," she said more seriously, "but I want you to stay."

Samantha smiled. "Good. Because I wasn't actually planning on going anywhere."

Shepard smiled for a moment and nodded. "I figured."

She stood and stretched, wincing as her legs and hips protested again. Sam looked at her with concern. She waved a hand dismissively. "I'm fine. Just getting old. Happens after you've died a couple times."

Shepard limped towards the bed. Sitting still too long always left her muscles stiff and cramped. Sam watched her while trying to look as though she wasn't watching her as Shepard took the prosthetic off. She could feel the curiosity in her gaze. "By the time they found me," she said slowly, "I had a pretty bad infection. I'm lucky I was able to keep the knee."

"Eli mentioned something about you not pursuing treatment," Sam said, "some thing about you needing to learn to follow orders better."

Shepard shook her head and laughed. "Guess I finished with that a long time ago."

"Shepard-" Sam looked ready for an argument. Shepard sighed, her headache intensifying.

"Tomorrow, Sam. We'll talk more tomorrow." She sighed. "I'm going to get some sleep."

Her face must have shown her exhaustion, because Sam only nodded. Even so, Shepard could feel her gaze until she turned out the light.


End file.
